Welcome to Funny Sms Jokes

Animal Sms Jokes:

Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? That's how dogs spend their lives.

What dog loves to take bubble baths? A shampoodle!

Why are cats better than men?  They don't pretend to know how to fix the VCR.

How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, but it takes a lot of light bulbs!

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, 'Do you know how to drive this thing?'

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? 'Dam.'

Why does a milking stool have only three legs? Because the cow has the udder.

What are the spots on black and white cows? Holstains.

What kind of milk comes from a forgetful cow? Milk of Amnesia.

What did the bored cow say when she got up in the morning? 'It's just an udder day.'

Do you know why the cow jumped over the moon? The farmer had cold hands.

What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.

Why don't oysters give to charity? Because they're shellfish.

What do you get when you cross a ghost with a chicken? A poultry-geist.

Baby Sms Jokes:

What not to say during childbirth...Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

What not to say during childbirth...If you think this hurts, I should tell you about when I twisted my ankle playing basketball!

When is the best time to get an epidural? Right after you find out you're pregnant.

What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? Childbirth.

Q: I just had a baby. Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Batman Sms Jokes:

What position did Bruce Wayne play on his little-league team? He was the bat-boy.

What does Batgirl wear to bed? Her Dark Knight gown!

Why wouldn't Batman's girlfriend kiss him?  He had bat breath.

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?  Robin! Get in the batmobile!

What happened when Batman and Robin got run over by a steam roller? They became Flatman and Ribbon.

Blonde Sms Jokes:

What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? There have been sightings of UFOs.

What does a blonde owl say? What, what?

How does a blonde spell Farm? E-I-E-I-O.

Why couldn't the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes? She couldn't find the recipe.

How do you keep a blonde secretary busy? Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to alphabetize them.

Why don't blondes like making Kool-Aid? They can't fit 8 cups of water in that little envelope.

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping tablets!

Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton? It said 'concentrate' on it!

A blonde once shot an arrow into the air and missed!

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant!

I offered a blonde a penny for her thoughts.  She gave me change.

Postcard from a blonde: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Why did the blonde cross the road? I don't know. Neither did she.

My blonde girlfriend just asked me to meet her at the corner of Walk and Don't Walk.

Why can't blondes dial 911?  They can't find the 11 key on the phone.

Cannibal Sms Jokes:

Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped with some toilet paper and flushed the toilet.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the woods?

Two cannibals are sitting by a fire. The first says, 'I hate my mother-in-law.' The second one replies, 'So, try the potatoes.'

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't suit his taste!

Why do cannibals like Jehovah's Witnesses? They're free delivery.

Chuck Norris Sms Jokes:

The only thing to fear is fear itself. The fear fears Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in the periodic table because the only element he recognizes is the element of surprise!

Chuck Norris once received lethal injection. It made him blink.

Chuck Norris had a near death experience. Now death stays away from Chuck Norris.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car crash and still managed to walk it off.

When God said let there be light, Chuck Norris made him say please.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

There is no such thing as tornadoes, Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

The Bogeyman checks his closest for Chuck Norris.

In a fight between Superman and Darth Vader, Chuck Norris would win.

Ghosts are exist because Chuck Norris kills people faster than death can process them.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris is said to have roundhouse kicked a McDonald's so hard that it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't pluck up the courage to tell him.

Confucius says...

Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.

Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who stand in front of car get tired.

Man who stand behind car get exhausted.

Man who buy many prunes get good run for money.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.

House without toilet is uncanny.

Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.

Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.

Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out.

Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy.

Dead Baby Sms Jokes:

What's funnier than a dead baby? A dead baby in a clown costume!

How do you know when a baby is a dead baby? The dog plays with it more.

What do you get a dead baby as a present?  A dead puppy.

What do you call a dead baby with no arms and no legs laying on a beach? Sandy.

What's the difference between a Cadillac and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Cadillac in my garage.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a felt tip marker? You don't get second looks when you're writing with a marker!

What do you call a baby on a stick? A Kebabie.

What do you call a dead baby pinned to your wall? Art.

What's harder to do than nailing a baby to a tree? Nailing it to a dead puppy.

What do you get when you put a dead baby in a blender? Hold on. I'll tell you in a second.

How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb? As many as it takes to climb on in order to reach the socket.

How do you make a dead baby float? Two scoops of ice cream, some root beer and a dead baby.

Dirty Sms Jokes:

Did you hear about the unemployed gynecologist? He couldn't find any openings.

A policewoman arrests a drunk driver. She tells him, 'Anything you say can and will be held against you.' He replies 'Breasts.'

What did the elephant say to the naked man? 'How do you breathe through that thing?'

Two bulls are standing in a field. One says 'It's mighty cold out here!' The other says 'Yes, I think I might slip into a Jersey.'

How can you tell when a woman is having a bad day? She has her tampon behind her ear, and she can’t find her cigarette.

What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to donors as they are leaving? Thanks for coming!

If there were four potatoes with different professions in a room, which one would be the prostitute? The one that's labeled Idaho.

Why is air a lot like sex? It's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What's the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball? A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.

What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't? A navel.

Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms? They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end?  So men can be open minded.

What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?  The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

What is the lightest thing in the world?  A penis.  Even a thought can raise it.

What does a vagina, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? Men always miss them.

What do you call the excess skin around the vagina? A woman.

What do a dildo and soy beans have in common? They are both substitute meats.

A women discovers her husband has always used a dildo on her. 'Explain yourself,' she yells.  'I will, once you explain the kids.'

How did the blonde break her nose?  Someone left a dildo under a glass table.

The doctor informs Sally he'll have to do surgery to remove her stuck dildo. Sally asks, 'Can't you just replace the batteries?'

Nasty/Sick Sms Jokes:

What do you call an anorexic with thrush? A quarter pounder with cheese!

What do elephants use for tampons? Sheep.

What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office? They're hiring.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.

What do you call an eleven foot long urine stain? Line dancing at the retirement center.

How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Two flies are on a piece of poop.  One fly farts and the other says, 'Do you mind, I'm trying to eat here!'

Perv Sms Jokes:

What is the difference between erotic and perverted? Erotic is using a feather...perverted is using the whole chicken.

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some lubricant.

What's the difference between a grocery bag and Michael Jackson? One is plastic and dangerous to kids. The other holds groceries.

Emo Sms Jokes:

Know how to drive an emo insane? Put them in a round room and tell them to go cry in the corner.

Whats so tragic about four emo kids dying in a car crash? The car could seat five!

How do you stop an emo kid from drowning? Give him a tissue.

How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and cry.

How many emo kids does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to replace it and two to write poems about missing the old one.

Tickle Me Elmo was so last year. Now they are releasing Cry With Me Emo.

How can you tell it's an emo guy hitting on you? He asks for your LiveJournal URL instead of your phone number.

Why didn’t the emo kid cross the road? Because she never left the house!

Ethnic Sms Jokes:

Arab Sms Jokes:

What do you say to a Arab with his arm all the way up a camel's rump? 'Having car trouble?'

Black:
What do you get when you cross a ground hog and a black? Six more weeks of basketball season.

What do you call a bunch of white men chasing a black man?  The PGA tour.

What do you call one white guy surrounded by 10 black guys? The quarterback.

What is better, to be born black or gay. Black, because you don't have to tell your parents.

What did God say when he saw the first black person? Ooops, I burnt one!

How many blacks does it take to clean a toilet? None, it's a woman's job.

Did you hear about the new black French restaurant? It's called Chez What.

Who are the two most famous black women in history? Aunt Jemima and Yo Momma.

Why do blacks wear white gloves? So they don't bite their fingers eating tootsie rolls.

What is black, purple,and yellow? A black person going to church.

How many black people does it take to screw in a light bulb? The lights out, how can you count them?

Chinese Sms Jokes:

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a mentally disabled baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Chinese couple's in bed. Husband says, 'I want a sixty-nine.' His wife says, 'You want beef and broccoli now?'

Jewish Sms Jokes:

Why don't Jewish mothers drink? Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, 'Is anything all right?'

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, 'Are you comfortable?' The man says, 'I make a good living.'

A short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

A bum walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.' 'Force yourself,' she replied.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

What's the name of facial lotion made for Jews? Oil of Oy Vay.

In the Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human? When it graduates from medical school.

What would you call a bloodthirsty Jew on a rampage? Genghis Cohen.

What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews? Filet minyan.

What's Jewish Alzheimer's Disease? It's when you forget everything but the guilt.

Indian Sms Jokes:

Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers? To keep his wigwam.

What do you get when you cross a Chickasaw, a Pottawattamie, and a Paiute? A chickie-pot-pie.

What do you call a smart Indian? Indigenous.

An Indian chief goes into a restaurant. The Maitre D' asks, 'Do you have a reservation?' The chief says, 'Certainly. In Arizona!'

Why were Indians were the first people in North America?  They had reservations.

What did one Indian monk say to the other Indian monk?  'I'm sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.'

Irish Sms Jokes:

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.

Mexican:
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.

What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand? Cuatro sinko.

What do you call a Mexican quarterback? El Paso.

A black guy and a Mexican guy opened a restaurant. It's called Nacho Mama.

What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an Italian? A guy that makes you an offer you can't understand.

What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?  Roberto.

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?  It doesn't matter.  None of them can reach the light socket.

Why can't mexicans be firemen? They can't tell the difference between Jose and hose b.

Why do Mexicans eat beans every day? So they can take a bubble bath at night.

Why don't Mexicans BBQ?  The beans fall through the grill.

White Sms Jokes:

Why do so many white people get lost skiing? It's hard to find them in the snow.

What do you call 500,000 white guys jumping out of a plane? Snow.

What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?  The NBA.

What do you call a white guy with rhythm?  A myth.

Why is it so hard to find a racist white joke?  Being white is sad enough.

How many white people does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Zero.  It's easier to pay a minority group to do it for them.

Why is it so hard to find a white person joke?  White people aren't funny.

Other:

Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper? They need a map.

What do Eskimos get from rubbing noses too many times? Sniffilis.

Gender Jokes:

Men:

How many men does it take to change a toilet paper roll? We don't know. It never happens.

What's the difference between a man and E.T.?  E.T. phoned home.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

What do anniversaries and toilets have in common? Men always miss them.

Men are like blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like computers. They're hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like chocolate bars. They're sweet, smooth, and usually head right for your hips.

Men are like copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

A man’s home may seem to be his castle on the outside; inside it is more often his nursery.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

What's the difference between government bonds and boyfriends? Bonds mature.

Q. How can you tell if a man is happy? A: Who cares?

Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

Women:

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested.

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!

Some women get excited about nothing, and then marry him.

Why did the woman cross the road? Never mind that, what is she doing out of the kitchen?

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Why can't you trust woman? How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

Women are like hurricanes: when they come they’re wet and wild, and when they leave they take the house and the car.

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

General:

What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.

There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other: 'Funny, I smell carrots, too'.

Two muffins are in the oven. One says to the other, 'It's hot in here.' The other one says, 'Wow! It's a talking muffin!'

A sandwich walks into a bar and orders some onion rings and beer. The bartender says: 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!

What is Mary short for? She's just got little legs.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend; but she left me before we met.

What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok you two, don't start anything!

A bartender tells a grasshopper, 'We've got a drink named after you.' The grasshopper says, 'You've got a drink named Steve?'

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, 'What is this? A joke?'

A termite walks into a bar and asks, 'Is the bar tender here?'

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side!

There are three types of people.  Those who can count and those who can't.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

Home is where you can say anything you like, because nobody listens to you anyway.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

What would you call the definition of surprise? A fart with a lump in it.

What is green and smelly? The Incredible Hulk's farts.

Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.

Did you hear about the constipated Wheel of Fortune player? He wanted to buy a bowel.

Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.

How do you keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Helen KellerSms  Jokes:

Why can't Helen Keller talk? She's dead.

Did you hear about the new Helen Keller Doll? You wind her up and she bumps into the furniture!

Have you seen a picture of Helen Keller's dad? Neither has she!

What's Helen Keller's favourite movie? Around the Block in 80 days.

Why were Helen Keller's hands purple? She heard it thru the grapevine.

What is Helen Keller's favorite color? Corduroy.

Why did Helen Keller cross the road? What, like she know's where she's going?

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? She screamed her hands off.

What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing? Washed her hands with soap.

How did Helen Keller burn her hands? She was trying to read a waffle iron.

Why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's a woman! No, seriously, why can't Helen Keller drive? Because she's dead!

What did Hellen Keller's room look like? She didn't know either.

If Helen Keller were psychic, would she call it a fourth sense?

Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell off the cliff?  She was wearing mittens.

Holiday Jokes:

Halloween:

What was the witches' favorite subject in school? Spelling.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts.

What kind of dog does a vampire prefer? A bloodhound.

What is Dracula's favorite soup? Scream of Tomato.

Why was Dracula not at his desk? He was on his coffin break.

What do ghosts and goblins drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween? Ghoul-aid.

Thanksgiving:

What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chicken's day off.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for? Their age.

Why can't you take a turkey to church? Because they use such fowl language.

How can you make a turkey float? You need two scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey.

Christmas:

Why did Santa's little helper feel depressed? He had low elf esteem .

What is the main reason Santa is so jolly? He knows where all the bad girls live.

Valentine's  Day:

What did the boy sheep say to the girl sheep on Valentine's Day? I love ewe!

What kind of flowers do you never give on Valentine's Day? Cauliflowers!

What did the boy owl say to the girl owl on Valentine's Day? Owl be yours!

What do you call a very small Valentine? A Valentiny!

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? A hug and a quiche!

Holocaust :

What's brown and hides in the attic? The Diarrhea Of Anne Frank.

Why did Hitler kill himself?  He saw his gas bill.

Please don't make fun of the holocaust. My grandfather died at Auschwitz. He got drunk and fell out of his guard tower!

What was Hitler's least favorite candy?  Jew Jew Beans.

Hunting/Fishing :

What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter? 'Quack! Quack! Quack!'

Did you hear about the guy who went elephant hunting and ended up in the hospital? He got a hernia carrying the decoys.

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about a dollar fifty and deer nuts are under a buck.

What is a fishing reel? A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

What is a fishing line? Something you give your co-workers when they ask how your fishing trip went this past weekend.

Jonas Brothers:

Why does Disney have The Jonas Brothers and California have earthquakes?  California got first pick.

How come there aren't any Jonas Brothers on Star Trek? They don't work in the future, either.

How do you stop a Jonas Brother from drowning?  Take your foot off the back of his head.

What's the coolest thing you can find at a Jonas Brother's concert?  The off switch.

What do you get when you cross a Jonas Brother with Paris Hilton? Nothing. There are some things even Paris won't do.

Why do The Jonas Brother cry during sex? The Mace.

What would happen if the Jonas Brothers said breathing wasn't cool?  90% of teenage girls would die.

Knock Knock Sms Jokes:

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Emma!
Emma who?
Emma cracking you up?

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Juana.
Juana who?
Juana come out and play?

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Althea.
Althea who?
Althea later, Alligator!

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Oscar.
Oscar who?
Oscar a stupid question, you get a stupid answer!

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Sam and Janet.
Sam and Janet who?
Sam and Janet evening, you will meet a stranger...

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna body know some more jokes?

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Alison.
Alison who?
Alison to you after you listen to me.

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking so long, my hand hurts!

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Lucy.
Lucy who?
Lucy Lastic lets your pants fall down.

Love Sms Jokes:

Girl: Do you love me? Boy: Yes Dear. Girl: Would you die for me? Boy: No, mine is undying love.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion!

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? I love you a ton!

Midget Sms  Jokes:

What do you get when you cross a midget with a computer? A short circuit.

What do you get if you cross a midget with Dracula? A vampire that sucks blood from your kneecaps.

A midget fortune teller was arrest for fraud, but she escaped. The following was printed in the newspaper: Small medium at large!

Knock! Knock! Who's There? Midget. Midget who? A midget who can't reach the doorbell.

Mormon Sms Jokes:

What do you get when you play the Mormon Tabernacle Choir backwards? 1000 different recipes for salads and non-alcoholic beverages.

What do you get when you cross a kleptomaniac and a Mormon? A basement full of stolen food.

During a lesson on the Mormon bishopric, the teacher asked what a bishop does. A bright student calls out, 'moves diagonally!'

Did you hear about the guy that got his LSD and LDS mixed up? Instead of going on a trip he went on a two year mission.

If you're not LDS, you belong to a non-prophet organization.

What type of vehicle do most Mormon families drive? A BMW...Big Mormon Wagon.

If you idea of a wild party is a six pack of pepsi and a PG-13 movie, you might be LDS.

Music Sms Jokes:

Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board? Because it had a nice groove in it!

What does Kenny G say when he walks into an elevator? 'This place rocks!'

Obama Sms Jokes:

How many Obamas does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it has to be a change the light bulb can believe in.

Obama is so pretty that the new symbol of the Democrat Party will be a unicorn.

What's the problem with Barack Obama jokes? His followers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

Why won’t Barack Obama’s presidential jet be flight worthy? It will only have a left wing.

Marie Antoinette said, 'Let them eat cake.' Barack Obama says, 'Let them eat arugula.'

Why won’t Obama laugh at himself? Because it would be racist.

Obama is so pretty that Bill Clinton wants to intern for him.

Pickup Lines:

Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?

Why does it feel like the most beautiful girl in the world is in this room?

I was blinded by your beauty so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

I know I dont have a chance, but I just wanted to hear an angel talk.

Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead, say no.

I may not be a genie but I can make your dreams come true?

Hey I just realized this, but you look alot like my next girlfriend.

Can I take a picture of you so I can show Santa just what I want for Christmas?

I'm like chocolate pudding, I look like crap but I'm as sweet as can be.

Your body is a Wonderland and I want to be Alice.

I know I'm not a grocery item, but I can tell when you're checking me out.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Do you mind if I hang out here until it's safe to go back where I farted?

If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.

Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?

You can fall off a building, you can fall out a tree, but baby, the best way to fall is in love with me.

The night is young, the moon is bright, and you are here with me tonight.

Redneck  Jokes:

What do tornadoes and redneck divorces have in common? Someone's fixin' to lose a trailer home.

Did you hear about the redneck who died and left his entire estate in trust for his widow? She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

How can you tell if a redneck is married? There is tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.

Why did God create armadillos? So that rednecks can have 'possum on the half shell.

What is the redneck definition of safe sex?  A padded truck bed.

What do you get when you put 32 rednecks in one room? A full set of teeth.

You might be a redneck if you think fast food means hitting a deer at 60 miles an hour.

What does NASCAR stand for?  Non Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks.

School Jokes:

Mother: Do you like your new teacher? Son: No! She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn't give me one!

Mother: How did you find school today? Daughter: I just got off the bus and there it was!

Teacher: You missed school yesterday, didn't you? Student: Not very much!

What would happen if you took the school bus home? The police would make you bring it back!

Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test! Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

Mother: Does your teacher like you? Son: Like me, she loves me! Look at all those X's on my test paper!

What did you learn in school today? Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

What do cheerleaders drink before they go to a game? Root beer!

Why did the ghost become a cheerleader? She liked to show off her school spirit.

What is a cheerleader’s favorite color? Yeller!

Whats the most embrassing thing for a cheerleader? When she does the splits and 8 class rings fall out!

Sports Sms  Jokes:

Baseball Sms Jokes:

Why did the baseball player get arrested? He stole two bases.

Why was Cinderella so bad at baseball? Because she had a pumpkin for a coach!

What do music and a baseball player have in common? Pitches!

Why did the rubber band go to the baseball game? It wanted to enjoy the seventh inning stretch.

What animal is best at hitting baseballs? A bat.

Why don't grasshoppers go to baseball games? Because they prefer cricket!

What has eighteen legs and catches flies? A baseball team.

Why did the baseball smell? Because it was a foul ball.

Why was Cinderella bad at softball? She ran away from the ball!

What did one baseball say to the other? I'm outta here!

Why is it so hot after a baseball game? Because all the fans leave.

What do you call a baseball with bugs on it? A fly ball.

What type of ball does a spider eat? A fly ball!

Basketball Sms Jokes:

How do basketball players stay cool during a game? They stand near the fans!

Why is basketball the grossest sport there is? Because they dribble all over the court.

Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!

Why did the basketball player go to jail? Because he shot the ball!

How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb? One, but he gets money, a car, and 3 credit hours for it.

Golf Sms Jokes:

Golfer: I need a caddy who can count and keep the score. What's 3 + 4 + 5 come to? Caddy: 10. Golfer: Great, you'll do perfectly!

Two ants were in a sand trap watching a duffer flailing away. 'Quick,' said one ant. 'Get on the ball before he kills us.'

Golfer's law: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

Golfer's law: Brand new balls are water-magnetic. The degree of attraction is firmly based on the expense of the ball.

Golfer's law: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

Golfer's law: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
 
Golfer's law: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

Nascar Sms Jokes:

What does NASCAR stand for? Non Athletic Sport Created Around Rednecks

Football Sms Jokes:

We play in a dome stadium. We always prefer to kick with the air-conditioning at our backs.

A football flies over a chicken coop. The rooster says to the hens, 'Ladies, did you see the work they're doing next door?'

We were in a really tough game. Our quarterback started praying, and a distant voice said, 'Please don't include me in this.'

The place kicker missed his attempt at a field goal. He was so angry, he went to kick himself and missed again.

Did you know old quarterbacks never die? They just pass away.

Star Wars Jokes Sms Jokes:

Why didn't C-3PO go drinking on Kessel? He was afraid he'd get smashed.

Two Stormtroopers walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

There's a sale at the Maul.... everything's half off.

What do you call a Sith who won't fight? A Sithy.

How is Ducktape like the Force? It has a Dark Side, a Light side and it binds the galaxy together.

Why did the crazy Angrallian Toobir cross the nebula? To get to the other dementia.

Why did Yoda cross the road? Because the chickens forced him to.

Who tried to be a Jedi? Obi-Wannabe.

What song would Vader sing if he was a Disney character? When You Wish Upon A Death Star.

Superman  Sms JokesJokes:

Why does Superman walk around in his pajamas? He doesn't own a bathrobe.

Superman once wrote on the wall: 'Batman is a wimp.' The next day Batman wrote: 'Superman is Clark Kent.'

What would you find in Superman's bathroom? The super bowl.

What do you get if you cross the man of steel with a hot vegetable broth? Souperman!

That's what she said' Sms jokes:

A bartender hands a beer to a customer and tells him, 'You have to blow on the head to make it go down.' That's what she said!

This is great hairspray! You can sleep all night and it will be stiff in the morning!  That's what she said.

A man walks into a barber shop and is told, 'Let me finish with him and I'll get started on you.'  That's what she said!

Two men walk by a display of Swiss balls at a fitness store and one comments, 'Those are some big balls.'  That's what she said!

Instructions on a key card: 'Put it in the slot as far as it will go, then pull it out fast.'  That's what she said!

A note attached to an application: 'If you can't fit all it on the front, you could do it on the back.'  That's what she said!

Work/Job Sms Jokes:

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? You were supposed to have changed that light bulb last week!

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? We haven't got a policy on that.

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb? I'm on my way to an important meeting, so we'll discuss it some other time.

How many executives does it take to change a light bulb? None, they like to keep employees in the dark.

How many executives does it take to change a light bulb? A roomful. They'll meet to discuss the ramifications of the change.

Yo Momma Jokes:

Yo Momma so ugly, she put the Boogie man outta business.

Yo Momma so ugly, she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt.

Yo Momma so ugly, when she threw a boomerang, it refused to come back.

Yo Momma so stupid, she noticed a sign reading 'Wet Floor'...so she did!

Yo Momma so fat, when she step on the weight scales it says 'to be continued...'

Yo Momma so fat, she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm.

Yo Momma so fat, her belt size is Equator.

Yo Momma so fat, she deep fries her toothpaste.

Yo Momma so poor, burglars break into her home and leave money.

Yo Momma so poor, she hangs the toilet paper out to dry.

Yo Momma so old, she left her purse on Noah's Ark.

Yo Momma so old, she still owes Moses a dollar.

Yo Momma so old, she sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade.

Yo Momma so old, her first job was as Cain and Abel's baby-sitter.

Yo Momma's breath so bad, she needed toilet paper instead of a breath mint!